4/29/2009

Last pages of journal and me and Rogelio

Today I made the last entry on my journal. It was a way of getting ridd of all those bad feelings, the sadness, the angryness.

The other day while talking with my close friend I noticed how angry I am, how I always keep on making excuses on those whom hurt me and I keep blaming me for all the mess, when the whole mess is not mine, part of it yes, so why to think is all my fault as if I were some kind of idiotic masoquist when I'm not ?. There was a time when I used to trust, not so long ago. Now, when I can't do it she comes, my beautiful bird, giving me all those nice things people should give and people should receive. Her hands are full and mine are empty and still she's so kind and patient. I feel like one monster myself, rotten inside.


The drawing is about that, about me yearning to trust, to feel again, to let others fill my hands with kisses and music, images, love, but also leaving things behind and not drag them into new places.






I think that my moleskine should look messier after all this time. I started to write on it on July last year. Wow ! I haven't read all those pages, I never do. Maybe when I get older I'll do it and it would be something great to do. Is amazing how is not a big thing, I mean, I didn't write that much on it, that's why it took me almost a year. As now I write more next journal will go quicker than this one





And fot this days of flu...
yes, I do wear it on the streets, but I try not to go out if I don't have to. Some friends told me I'm paranoic, maybe.
My camarada Benjamin told me the other day I should take a photo with that thing, but I forgot to add the smile on it >.<


Oh, yes, today was - and still is very hot - Poor Rogelio, he lies there like if he were dead and a truck just passed by over him - like Churchill from "Pet Sematary" :D




7 comentarios:

Kelly dijo...

Your cat is adorable, and I would be wearing two of those masks...paranoid or not.

Unfortunately, I have a lot of experience being jaded and wounded and angry. I can thank a 5 year crap relationship + 2 years of leading myself on for that.

Somehow, though, within the past month I have pulled myself out of it. I credit most of it to time and God equally. I just got tired of being angry. Not to say I won't be jaded for a while (forever?) but that is natural...once you have been hurt you have scars.

I love your artwork. You are more talented than I can even begin to give you credit for. Your work is gorgeous and then some!

Siddartha Babbii dijo...

Excelente entrada camarada! la felicito por reflexionar al respecto y por incluirme me siento dichoso y agradecido :D Y adelante con el siguiente y a llenarse las manos ok?

Lynne dijo...

just keep holding your hands open.....there are so many good things taht must come your way....you deserve them :-)

Lady Orlando dijo...

Kelly - Thank you so much :)

I don't want to be angry anymore, even if that sounds too extreme. Angryness doesn't lead to anything good. Walking wounded sounds poetic, but is a bitch. I need to learn to forgive :)

Benjamin - Hombre, faltaba más ! A llenarse las manos, o como dicen por ahí : a atascarse que es mole de olla :DD

Lynne - thank you very much for your kind words. I'll keep my hands open, without fear in my heart :)

Neognath dijo...

My dear, i wish that your new journal can turn the sadness of your older one into something distant, not in a "forget things" way, but as something that integrates you in a healthy and constructive way.

Your cat is beautiful *Neognath's eyes light up*. Poor little creature. I hope that he finds the floor enough cool or at least a little bit refreshing.

I am not going to allow you to say that you're a monster. And, worse than that, i am not going to allow you to say that you're rotten inside. Your awaiting to blossom, my dear; not the opposite. And i am sure you will, again. You just need a little bit more sun and time. Many dark clouds will go away now. They'll stay in your old journal, opening space for a new one filled with stars, blue skies, golden trees, open fiels and beauty.

Lady Orlando dijo...

My dear, is more than nice to read you here ^^

Little by little I find new things inside me and the monsters are quiet for a moment and I'm enjoying the silence in my heart and mind. I'll only been a small monster, but a cute one, as Sendak's monster, just as I said before ;))

Thank you for your words, you know how much they mean to me, your kindness and for been here and there, thank you.

szaza dijo...

It's a good thing to close old journals with old feelings and old pain, to put them away until you feel like looking at them again.

It will all pass, even the flu scare, and new feelings and joys will bud like spring. Wounds will heal— and it is ok to let them take their time to heal properly. People pressure themselves too much to be happy all the time, and it's just not realistic. Pain is necessary and falls are important so that we remember how to get back up again.

You are a beautiful vibrant person, who deserves not handfuls of kisses and music and love, but armfuls. Learning to trust will take time, and that is ok too :)

You are working it all out so beautifully in your artwork.

Rogelio made me laugh so hard! He looks wiped out :D